Jedi Knight interviews Mario
(5
minutes before the show)
(Jedi
Knight is sitting backstage reading Star
Wars Fanatic magazine waiting for Tetraforce, who promised him a backstage
look at the show. Suddenly, the
phone rings. Jedi Knight picks
it up.)
“Hello?
Tetraforce is in the hospital again?
What happened? Darth Vader
chocked him? Well then, I guess the
show has to be cancelled. What do
you mean it can’t be cancelled? I have to do the interview? And
I have to do all the interviews until Tetraforce gets well?
But he’s interviewing Nintendo characters! I know nothing about
Nintendo! He has a database of
information on his computer? All
right, all right, I’ll do the interviews.
(Jedi
Knight then dials another number into his telephone)
“Hi
Darth, it’s Jedi Knight. Yeah, it
worked. Now I don’t have to be
bothered by that annoying moron for a while.
Thanks I owe you one.”
Announcer:
Tetraforce is in the hospital today, so his friend Jedi Knight is filling in for
him.
Jedi
Knight: Hi, everyone.
Hi Mario. Now, first
question. (Looks through a bunch of
hastily scribbled notes) In the very
first game you were in, Donkey Kong Junior, you were the bad guy, but in every
other game you were in, you were the hero. What
caused this change?
Mario:
Well, it all depends on your perspective.
Donkey Kong had kidnapped a princess, so he had to caged away and
punished. But since you played as
Donkey Kong Jr., I appeared as the bad guy.
Jedi
Knight: I see. Next question.
What game were you in that you hate the most?
Mario:
There’s actually three: Super
Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, Paper
Mario,
and Super Mario 64.
Jedi
Knight: Why do hate those games?
Mario:
For Mario RPG: I kept getting
thrown around like a hacky-sack, eaten, squashed, burnt, frozen, shot, blown up,
turned into a scarecrow, turned into a mushroom, repeatedly dieing and then
coming back to life, then dieing again, sliced, deiced, skewered, speared, bit,
muted, shrunk, used by Bowser as a weapon, and
having to see Smithy’s ugly face. I also had to stand Bowser’s smell,
Mallow constantly crying and making it rain, and Geno repeatedly correcting
everyone and having to say corny lines.
Jedi
Knight: Ah. What about Paper Mario?
Mario:
First of all, everything was flat. Exactly how could you hit an enemy with a
paper hammer? YOU DON’T! This was the only Mario game in which everyone was
acting. Second of all, the game looked really, really kiddish.
Jedi
Knight: Okay. What about Mario 64?
Mario:
It was good. It was my first 3D experience. But some idiot found Yoshi and got
one hundred lives. That idiot then kept killing me over, and over, and over
again.
Cut
Scene
You
see Tetraforce in the hospital playing Mario 64.
Tetraforce:
DIE MARIO! DIE!!!
End
Cut Scene
Jedi
Knight: Alrighty then.
Next question: What is your favorite power up?
Mario:
The Wing Cap. It was really cool flying. Nintendo should put the Wing Cap in the
next SSB.
Jedi
Knight: What least favorite other Nintendo character?
Mario:
LINK!
Jedi
Knight: WHAT? WHY?
Mario:
You sound like Tetraforce.
Jedi
Knight: Shut up.
Mario:
Link is my mortal enemy. He is the only other character that is in competition
with me. There are about the same amount of Zelda sites as Mario sites! By the
way, Link is a cross dresser. He likes wearing skirts.
Jedi
Knight: He wears Tunics.
Mario:
Not off set he doesn’t.
Jedi
Knight: Interesting.
Now, questions from audience. Seat
number 53?
Toad:
Can you convince Nintendo to give me my own game?
Mario:
No.
Toad:
Why not? I wanna be in a
game!
Mario:
Because no one wants a game where they play a giant mushroom.
Next question.
Bowser:
(Very poorly disguised) What is your weakness?
Mario:
Well, if you were Bowser, the best thing you could do to beat me would be
to fight me while flying in a balloon made of very thin material over a pit of
lava while I was safely on the ground. Oh,
and you should put lots of sharp and easily throwable objects next to me.
Bowser:
Thanks. (Runs out of the room laughing maniacally.)
Jedi
Knight: That was weird.
Koopa:
If you could switch places with any other Nintendo character, what would it be?
Mario:
I would have to say Fox Mc.Cloud. I’m
sick of jumping on guys heads, I want to fly around and blow them up.
Jedi
Knight: Well, that it for now.
For my next show, I will interview everyone’s favorite Hylian, Link!
END
TRANSMISSION