Chapter
1
Home
Again
SLAM! Luigi enters the house and collapses on the couch. Mario is at the
TV, playing Gamecube.
“Not so easy is it.” Mario says.
“How in the world do you do it?” Luigi asks as he grabs a soda from
Mario’s “secret” stash. “You’re so fat! I’m in much better shape
than you!”
“I’M NOT FAT! I’M BIG BONED!”
“I thought you wanted to be fat.”
“That was then, this is now, and no one knows what tomorrow will
bring.”
“You go ahead and tell yourself that.
“Okaaay. Then I guess you don’t want to see my seeecrrreet.”
“What is it.
“Take back what you said.”
“(sigh) Fine. I’m sorry.”
“Okay.”
Mario holds up two plane tickets.
“We’re going on a vacation!”
“You’re joking. Let me see those.”
Luigi grabs the tickets and tests them with his vacation plane ticket
tester that he got by sending in proof-of-purchases. They’re real. Even better
yet, they’re plane tickets to go to the island of Delfino, the most relaxing
place on earth (kind of).
“How on mushroom kingdom did you get these.”
“Your “secret” stash of money.”
“Oh. WAIT A MINUTE!”
A brief food-fight followed until Luigi throws an Olive into Mario’s
eye.
The
Next Day…
Mario and Luigi arrive at the airport. Luigi is surprised to see that
Peach is also there.
“Hello Peach. I didn’t know that you were coming.”
“Hello Luigi. I haven’t
thanked you enough for rescuing me. Here, take this.”
Peach hands Luigi some Gas-X.
“?”
“Mario said that you’d like this.”
Luigi turns to Mario and gives him…
Pure
Evil Stare of Death!
Mario shudders.
“Did you get anything for me Peach?” Mario asks.
“Ummm. You already got your reward.”
“When?”
“We’ve got to go.”
They talk for a bit longer, then head over to Peach’s privet jet. They reach security. Peach walks through without any problem. Same with Luigi. Mario sets it off, but keeps walking. Security immediately tackles Mario and gives him a personal search. They find a couple coins, a safety pin, Excalibur, a paper clip, the Holy Grail, the Holy Hand Grenade, a piece of the True Cross, Soul Edge, the Ring made by Souron, Soul Caliber, The Master Sword, Harry Potter’s wand, and a rubber chicken. Peach uses her amazing diplomacy and makes the security let Mario through. They stop to get a four Cinnabuns (Mario complained that their wasn’t enough frosting on the first one), then finally reach their Gate, number 27.
“Wow,” Luigi says as he looks at the plane, “it’s so small, and so pink.”
“Your favorite color Luigi.” Mario says.
“SILENCE WORM!” Peach screams.
Mario looks over at another gate and sees someone familiar sitting in one of the seats.
“Hey Luigi, isn’t that that stupid writer Michael?”
Michael looks up, grins evilly, and writes something down on his notepad. Mario’s rubber chicken comes alive and starts attacking Mario. Security comes and tackles Mario, shoots the rubber chicken, and then takes Mario’s hat. Mario starts crying. He then goes over to a vending machine, and inputs the number AA-24. A hat pops out of the machine.
“How’d that vending machine get there?” Luigi asks.
“What vending machine?” Mario replies.
The vending machine had vanished.
“Spooky.” Peach says.
“Very spooky.”
Mario leaves the vending machine (that doesn’t exist) and goes over to the phones.
“What are you doing!? We’re boarding in five minutes!”
“Hold on just a sec, I just need to make a quick phone call.”
Mario looks over at the phones to see ET making a phone call home.
“Then again…”
A voice sounds over the intercom.
“Now boarding flight TK-421, all passengers get on board or slowly die one thousand painful deaths. Thank you.”
They all board the plane. The safety video thing goes on in the plane, but Mario turns it to the Mushroom Bowl XXV, Fearsome Goombas VS the Dive-bombing Paratroopas. Peach slaps Mario, and changes it to the Dollies with Ashley and Kate. Luigi pokes them both, then changes it to Plant Life with Ms. Spore. A flight attendant comes, punches all three of them, and puts the safety video back on. All three punch the flight attendant and put on Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
When they are about fifteen minutes away from Delfino, a video plays. The island inhabitants are talking about the sun-drenched island of Delfino. It’s great five-star resort hotels, it’s amusement parks, and it’s succulent seafood. Mario starts drooling at the sound of seafood. Luigi starts drooling at the sound of amusement parks. Peach gives an excited squeak (You didn’t think she would drool, did you?) at the sound of the hotels. Peach notices something strange though. In the background of the video, there is a figure that looks exactly like Mario, but it is shadowy and watery.
“Mario? Luigi?” Peach asks. They both just sit there and drool.
The video shuts off and Luigi looks out of the window to see a disturbing sight. There is goop all over the runway. A toad gets sucked into it because he thought it was Jell-O. The rest of the toads jump in to “go for a swim”, then start screaming for help.
“Mario, don’t you think that it is odd that that there is goop all over the runway and that a toad gets sucked into it because he thought it was Jell-O and also that then rest of the toads jump in to “go for a swim”, then start screaming for help?”
“No.”
“Don’t you find it odd that Jason and the Argonauts are fighting skeletons?”
“Not at all.”
“Don’t you find it odd that Elvis Presley is doing a performance and has just been abducted by aliens?”
“WHERE!” Mario screams as he tries to get a better look.
A voice sounds over the speaker.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, due to “technical” problems, we are unable to land on the runway, prepare for a crash landing…”
Chapter
2
Clean
up
The plane plummets to the ground,
lands on the runway, does a 180 and skids to a halt right before it hits the
goop. Mario and Luigi get out of the plane to get a better look.
“That’s just sick.” Luigi says.
“I’ve seen worse.” Mario says as he remembers eating the month old piece of pizza.
One of the Toads who hasn’t jumped in runs up to them.
“Please help us! You need to-. HEY! A SWIMMING POOL! WHEEEE!”
The Toad jumps into the goop and starts screaming for help.
“We need to go get something to clean this up with!” Mario says to Luigi.
“No shit Sherlock.”
Luigi looks over at the end of runway and notices something that might help them.
“Hey Mario look! There’s something at the end of the runway that might help us!”
“What did I say about stating the obvious?”
“Luigi can do it, or Peach will murder Mario!” Peach says.
“How right you are!” Mario says nervously.
The Mario Brothers run to the end of the runway (no pun intended, but it worked!) and see something that looks like a pump you attach to your back.
“Hello.” The pump says in a veeery repetitive robot voice.
“My name is FLUDD, Flash Liquidizing Ultra Dousing Device. Preparing to scan user data.”
Mario picks up the pump and throws it at the pile of goop. It explodes, scattering water everywhere. The goop dissolves and the Toads are freed. All the Toads but one run into the jet engine. The other one turns on the engine, then gets out of the plane and jumps into the jet. You can piece together what happens here.
“I think I’m going to be sick! HURK!” Luigi says, then throws up.
Mario is about to walk away from the scene, but notices something. There is a medal resembling the sun floating above where the goop was.
“Luigi, what’s that?”
“I don’t-HURK!”
Mario goes over to it and examines it. It is a spherical object with eight points on it.. There is a ball on top of each point at the top. The center of it has eyes. The whole thing is golden. Mario touches it. He does a 180 with his eyes wide open and wearing a huge smile, then screams “YIPPEE!”
Luigi looks at Mario.
“WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK DO- HURK!!!”
The object disappears, but Mario can feel it in his pockets which shouldn’t hold that much but it does.
Some police walk up to them, and they do not look happy.
“I’m so sorry about my brother, he can’t help it.” Mario says.
“We’re not worried about that. Mario M. Mario, you’re under arrest.”
“WHAT!!! BUT I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!! IT WASN’T ME!
“That’s what they all say.”
While this was happening, Peach looked over at a water tank to find something very odd. The Shadow Mario is there.
“Mario?”
Peach looked back at where Shadow Mario was, but he was gone. Meanwhile, Mario had just been handcuffed.
“LET ME OUT OF THIS STUPID THING!”
Luigi is laughing hysterically.
“M-m-mario! You’re s-s-so st-s-stupid! AH HA HA HA HA!”
“Luigi M. Mario, you’re also under arrest!”
“BUT I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! HE DID!!!”
“Guilty by association! You were with the guilty party.”
Luigi is then handcuffed and the Mario brothers are dragged away screaming.
Chapter
3
Falsely
Accused
The next day…
“Court is now in session!”
Mario and Luigi are in court, as you could obviously tell.
One of the islanders (from now on, I’m calling them by their real name, Piantas) is the prosecution, and another islander is the judge.
“As you can see here,” the Pianta continues as he points to exhibit A, “Mario here has been mucking up the Fair Isle of Delfino. And to add to that, he’s been causing chaos also. He is a sketch of the culprit.”
He shows exhibit B, which looks exactly like Mario.
“Not good.” Mario says.
“There is question here, the guilty party sits among us. It is none other than… Mario!”
“OBJECTION!” Peach yells.
“Overruled.” The Judge says. “Mario, I find you guilty!”
“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE JURY!” Mario yells.
“… THAT’S UNIPORTANT! I make the shots around here.”
“But then it’s just a popularity vote! Whoever you like wins!”
“Your point?”
“None.”
Mario and Luigi get dragged away to their cell.
In the cell…
Mario is laying on the bed (he won the rock-paper-scissors), Luigi is sitting on the floor.
“I don’t understand this at all! I didn’t do anything!”
“I know what happened.” Luigi says sadly.
“What?”
“They think that you have messed up Delfino.”
“But why?”
“There is someone going around that looks exactly like you, except the fact that he is dark and shadowy.”
“Do you know about that thing I found at the airstrip?”
“Indeed I do. It is called a Shine Spirit.”
“Go on.”
“Shine Spirits keep this island in balance. Due to all the goop and chaos, the Shines have fled. They used to gather in large numbers at the… at the… uh… hold on.”
Luigi pulls out a guide to Super Mario Sunshine.
“Uh… they used to gather in large numbers at the Shine Gate.”
He puts the guide away.
“So our job is to find the Shines, and restore peace and order back to the galaxy?”
“No. That’s Luke’s job.”
“Didn’t we kill him?”
Flashback
“The Goomba didn’t have a thermal detonator…” Luigi says.
A
long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…
“SET
THE BOMB! SET THE BOMB!” Luke yells.
Han
Solo reaches into his backpack.
“Uh-oh…”
“I
have you know, rebel scum!” Darth Vader yells.
End Flashback
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…
The Empire has taken over. The Rebel alliance killed. Oddly enough, the galaxy is a much better place now. Vader and the Emperor have built hospitals, restored old and dilapidated houses, built homes for the homeless, and ended war on every planet. The police is top notch too. The Yuzzahan Vong invades and kills everyone, and everyone dies sadly ever after.
“So when we get released tomorrow, we gotta go get those Shines, clean up the place, and get some food.” Mario says as he throws his porridge out of the back door that they could have easily escaped but they’re “too tired.”
The next day they are let out and they immediately get to work…
Chapter
4
Shadow
Mario Appears
The Mario Brothers walk out of jail and are greeted by a guard.
“Go strait ahead! You can’t miss the mess, pal.”
“But what if I take a wrong turn?” Mario asks.
“Umm… Then, you miss it?”
“That’s right.”
“But, you can’t miss it. But if you take a wrong turn, you miss it? I’m confused.”
“If you give me all of your money, I’ll tell you.”
“Okay…”
The Toadie hands over all of his money, which is about two hundred dollars.
“Let’s see here. The answer is: answer hazy. Try again.”
Mario puts the Eight-ball away and runs for it. Luigi follows. They run like mad until they reach a very big pile of goop that is unmistakably the goop (because goop is usually goop).
“That’s a big pile of goop.” Luigi says.
“Indeedarionie. Since we can’t revive FLUDD and then kill him again, we’ll just use these water balloons!”
A big pile of water balloons are at their feet.
“I don’t like the looks of this.” Luigi says.
“Why’s that?”
Luigi picks up a water balloon and shows it to Mario.
“Because every single one of these balloons has “I know where you live… YOU WERE PLAYING THE UKULELE!” written on it.”
“Not every one,” Mario says as he picks up another balloon, “this one says ‘you are in grave danger. The tides are changing. You are doomed to death. You weigh exactly 287 pounds.’”
“So that’s how much you weigh.”
“IT LIES!”
In his anger, Mario accidentally kicks a water balloon into the pile of goop. The pile starts to dissolve.
“That worked out well.” Mario says.
Unfortunately, the pile starts to come back, and to everyone’s horror, a huge Piranha plant emerges from the goop. The odd thing about this one is that it is made up of the muck.
“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!” Luigi screams.
“MY GOD IT’S HIDEOUS! IT’S ALMOST AS BAD AS LUIGI!!!”
“HEY!”
The Piranha plant takes this moment of opportunity and spews goop at Mario and Luigi. Luigi dives out of the way. Mario isn’t so lucky.
“HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING!? I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET! COME BA-. UH-OH. AHHHHHHH!!!”
The wave of goop collapses on Mario, drenching his new clothes. Mario doesn’t look happy. He picks up a water balloon and throws it at the Piranha Plant. It explodes and nothing happens. Luigi waits for the Piranha plant to open its mouth, then throws a water balloon into it. The Piranha Plant screams and dies. The pile of goop disappears.
“You know what?” Mario asks.
“Yes. What is a very kind fellow. He took me to the fair when I was little. He used to take my to Chinese restraints because he was Chinese.”
“I didn’t mean that. Anyways, after our first adventure, we should be pretty good at this by now.”
All of a sudden, a statue comes up from the ground where the goop used to be. It is a statue of a Pianta in a cool pose. There is one problem though. There is a person on top of the statue. It looks like he’s holding some sort of paintbrush. Shadow Mario had appeared.
“MARIO! IT’S HIM! THE CULPRIT!”
“YOU’RE RIGHT! HE LOOKS EXCATLY LIKE ME! But not as good looking of course.”
Shadow Mario just looks at them, then without warning, jumps off the statue, and kidnaps Peach.
Chapter
5
AFTER
HIM!!!
“PUT ME DOWN!” Peach screams as she is being carried away. “I DEMAND SOME RESPECT!”
Mario and Luigi look at each other.
“AFTER HIM!!!” they scream in unison.
They run after him. Shadow Mario turns around and somehow paints a big M on the ground with his paintbrush. The M is made out of goop. Then he runs away. Luigi runs on it and slips. Mario loses his balance temporarily, but regains himself and bolts after Shadow Mario. Shadow Mario does Mario’s trademark triple jump and jumps on top of a rooftop.
“That ain’t going to save you.” Mario says.
He does a wall jump and lands on the rooftop. Shadow Mario is already gone.
“MARIO! HELP MEEEE!” Peach screams from another rooftop.
“I’M COMING!”
Mario runs and slips on a tile on the roof, which rockets off and hits a chimney. It hurtles back at Mario, who ducks. The tile hits another chimney, then gets lobbed into the air. It falls down the first chimney. It lands in the fire and blocks it. The pressure builds up and then releases, which sends the tile flying up into the air. Shadow Mario stops for a moment to catch his breath. Too bad he didn’t notice the tile heading strait for his head. WHACK! Shadow Mario is hit right on the head. Mario and Luigi rush over and grab the princess. Shadow Mario gets up and starts running.
“HE’S GETTING AWAY!” Peach yells.
Mario and Luigi chase after him. When they catch up to him, they see him jump into the side of the statue and disappear.
“Well now, ain’t that da darndest thin I ever sarw.” Mario says.
“How in the world did he do that?” Luigi asks.”
“Because he’s a magical unicorn?”
“NO!”
“Because he’s an optical illusionist?”
“NO!!”
“Because he used the law of relativity, went the speed of light and opened a worm hole in the space time continuum and got sucked into another dimension?”
“… NO!!! But how did you get so smart?”
“Fortune Cookies help.”
“Oh.
“Well why don’t we look where he disappeared?”
“Ummm… I got an idea!”
“Only I can use that trick Luigi.”
“Fine.”
They go over to look where he disappeared to find that strange M again.
“What’s with this M!”
“I don’t know. Let’s touch it.”
“NO LUIGI!”
Too late. Luigi touches it and starts getting sucked into the M. Mario grabs Luigi, but then also gets sucked in. They emerge in a different part of Delfino…
Chapter
6
The
First Shine
They emerge in Bianco village.
“That’s weird.” Mario says.
“Very weird.”
A Pianta runs up to them.
“Please help us! A shadowy man is messing up this whole place! PLEASE HELP US!!”
“At last! A cry of distress! This outcall could lead us closer to achieving my goal! Luigi, you shall have not died in vain!”
“I’m not dead Mario.”
“Then you should not have been mortally wounded!”
“I haven’t even been hurt.”
“FAREWELL LUIGI!” Mario screams dramatically. He then rushes off, leaving Luigi standing there.
“I’ll um… just stay here, huh? Yeah. Yep. Yessaronie. Indeed. Oh, a place to sit. Um, yeah. So, you know any good jokes.”
The Pianta shakes his head, but pulls out two bottles of beer…
Meanwhile, Mario is heroically questioning the townsfolk about Shadow Mario.
“Yeeeah. I’d seen hem aroun hear.” One of the Piantas say. “He wos causin truble an such. He made dat dare goop.”
“FANTASTIC!” Mario screams dramatically.
“He wos up on dat dare hill ovar dare.” The Pianta points over to a hill were Shadow Mario is.
Mario runs over to where the Pianta was pointing. There he finds Shadow Mario.
“I HAVE FOUND YOU AT LAST! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOOOM! AND GUESS WHAT?! YOUR DOOOOM IS VERY DOOOOMFUL! PREPARE TO DIE!”
Shadow Mario looks at him, does a strange yelp, and Mario is surrounded by twenty Hammer Brothers.
“YOU FOOL! NOW I SHALL UNLEASH MY WRATH!”
Mario then does the only thing he can; “heroically” surrender.
“DON’T HURT ME!”
In the heat of the surrender, a very drunken Luigi ambles over to them.
“Yeeeah.” Luigi says swaying on the spot. “Yous like mighty fine dare Miister Ham Ham.”
“Why thank you.” One of the Hammer brothers says.
“Hey! He was talking to me!
“YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT PAL!”
“BRING IT ON, YOU OLD GEEZER!”
A very gruesome fight follows. Only one hammer bro is still alive.
“He… Was… Talking… to… ME!”
“My garsh,” Luigi says, “you’re my night in shinning armaor. Kiss mae!”
Luigi walks over to the hammer bro and kisses him. He screams and dies.
“Luigi! Can’t you read!”
Mario points to a sign that says, “Dont’t drink”.
“I’M THE QUEEN OF THE WEASELS!”
Shadow Mario looks at them with fear and runs. But he leaves something behind. A Shine Spirit is there. Mario picks it up and does the freaky “YIPPEE!”. They are somehow transported back to the plaza…
Chapter
7
Discussion
Mario and Luigi get transported back to the plaza.
“We need to set up a meeting or something about these Shines.” Luigi says.
“Good idea. Let’s have lunch someplace.”
“Mario, we don’t have enough money for what you’re eating!”
“What are you talking about, I’m loaded! I stole about two hundred from that Pianta!”
“Oh… Well then could you pay for us too?”
“If you do something for me.”
“How about a kiss?”
“OAKY! YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT!”
They set up a meeting at Tony’s Pizzeria and Buffet with Peach. When it is three o clock, all three meet up at Tony’s.
“I’m starved.” Luigi says.
“I’m kinda hungry.” Peach says.
“I’M HUNGRY! I WANT FOOD NOW!!!”
A waiter walks up to them.
“This way sir.”
As they walk to their table, Peach notices a sign above the buffet table that says, “Asta la feasta, baby”. They are seated and Mario bolts for the buffet. He comes back with a mountain of food.
“Do you have any idea how fat you’re going to be after you eat that?” Luigi says.
“I won’t get fat,” Mario says as he stuffs food into his mouth, “my pixel size only allows so much.”
“What?” Peach says.
“Forget it.”
“Okay, okay,” Luigi says, “let’s go over the facts. We have one Shadow Mario who is imitating Mario and framing him. We have all the Shines scared off because of Shadow Mario. We have the sky darkened because of all of the Shines have gone. And we have an angry mob of villagers trying to kill us.”
“I GOT IT!” Mario screams.
“YOU DO?!” Luigi and Peach say.
“Cornel Mustard in the Library with the Wrench.”
“That joke’s dead.” Peach says.
“No it isn’t.”
“Yes it is.” Luigi says. “It’s been used in too many movies and it’s too old to be funny anymore.
“Yes, but it’s still alive in my heart.”
“Actually, you’re heart died along with that joke.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“WILL YOU TWO STOP ARGUING AND FIGURE OUT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE!?”
“Yes Peach.” Luigi says. “All of this leads down to Shadow Mario framing Mario. I guess that someone (coughcoughbowsercoughcough) is trying to get Mario out of the way so that he (a-a-achewbowsersnif) can
carry out his (HURKBOWSERBLAAAH!) master plan.”
“That was very insightful and well thought out plot.” Peach says.
“Thank you.”
“Well I think it sucks.” Mario says.
Luigi glares at Mario.
“Peach, have you heard of
Mario’s collection of “Overthrow Peach” posters.
“WHAT?!”
Peach turns to Mario and gives
him the…
THE
ULTIMATE STARE OF PURE HATRED AND EEEVIL!!!
Mario yelps and falls out of his chair. Luigi helps him up.
“I have some new information.” Peach says. “Every since the Shines left, the plaza has been cut off from all other places on the island. Wherever anybody is right now, they’re stuck.”
“But that’s not possible!” Luigi says. “We were just at Bianco Hills.”
“WHAT!? HOW!”
“After Shadow Mario dropped you, we chased him to the statue.” Mario says. “Then he made this M with his brush, and went into it. I guess only he can open the portals to the other places.”
“So we have to wait for him to appear to get to another place?” Luigi asks.
“Probably not.” Peach says. “All you have to do is collect a lot of Shines.”
“How will that make him appear.” Luigi asks.
“Well, he’ll probably be
attracted by the large amount of Shine, because after all, his job is to scare
them away.”
“Well,” Peach says, “I guess that’s all. Meeting adjourned.”
The waiter comes.
“That will be… two hundred
and seventy five dollars.”
“WHAT!?”
“Please don’t make us pay.”
Peach says as she give the waiter the…
The Pure good stare of cuteness
“Awww.” The waiter says.
“That’s okay. I’ll pay for it.”
Thus the Fellowship was formed.
Peach trekked for a good one hundred feet a day to find a recruits for her party
that would march into the very base of the evil villain. Mario and Luigi walked
south, bringing the Onion Ring right into the enemy territory of Sorehead (aka
Bowser). In other words, Peach sat on her lazy fat butt and watched TV while
Mario and Luigi picked their nose.
They go back to the statue and go
back in the portal…
Chapter
8
The
Second Shine
The appear in Bianco Hills, again. Everything appears to be peaceful. Nobody’s screaming or running around or anything. It’s perfectly fine.
“Well, coming back here was pointless.” Luigi says.
“Indeed. Looks like our job here is done.”
All of a sudden, a villager runs up to them screaming.
“What’s wrong?” Luigi asks.
“Their plumbing is probably going haywire. I’ve got to go and fix it. Then they get the honor of paying a ridicules amount of money.”
“Mario, are you really that shallow?”
“You don’t even know what that word means, do you?”
“Well… No… but.”
“But nothing! Stop trying to use rhetorical words!”
“You don’t know what rhetorical means do you?”
“Actually I do. It means using fancy words to try to make people think you’re smarting then you really are.”
Meanwhile the Pianta is getting veeery impatient.
“WILL YOU TOO STOP ARGUING ABOUT GRAMMER AND ASK ME WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG!”
“It’s ‘two’, not ‘too’”.
“ASK ME WHAT THE FREAKING PROBLEM IS!”
“Fine.” Mario says, “What’s the problem?”
“My friend was exploring this cave that just appeared at the top of a mountain, and then he came running out screaming. He was covered with goop too! It was awful…”
“Well,” Mario says, “why don’t you try to help him.”
“Ummm… Uh-oh. Just remembered. I have babysitting duty. Gotta go. Bye!”
The Pianta runs off.
“Well,” Luigi says, “looks like we’ve gotta help now.”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
Mario walks over to the phone booth, and using his amazing physic powers that don’t exist, finds the Pianta’s home. He then dials another number and hangs up.
“Who did you call.”
“The PFH.”
“The PFH?”
“You know, the Plumber From Hell.”
Wario and Waluigi rush into the village and breaks into the Pianta’s house. Various screams and things breaking fill the air. Then a someone screams, “NO! NOT THE TOILET!” Then a flush, then the sound of a toilet overflowing. When Wario and Waluigi demand their pay and the Pianta won’t give it to them, they knock him out and mug him. They leave, but not before leaving their business card behind.
“You are so cruel.” Luigi says.
“Thank you.”
The Mario brothers leave the village and are now at a lake. There is a mountain with a cave on top.
“How in the world are we going to get up there.”
“I GOT IT!” Mario says. “I place a toilet here and call the PFH. I stand on the lid while the “fix” it, then the toilet will explode, launching me into the air. There I will grab onto a group of migrating birds. They will fly me high up into the air and I will let go. I will fall so fast that I will create a worm hole, appear where the guy from the Subtle Knife is, take the knife, and cut a portal back to this word where I will emerge right in front of the cave.”
“That’s a good idea, but why don’t we just use the ladder.” Luigi says as he gestures to a ladder leading up to the cave.
“Oh. We could use that too…”
Mario and Luigi climb the ladder and walk into the cave…
Chapter
9
The
Obstacle Course
They appear in what appears to be an obstacle course. One downside though; there is a huge seemingly never-ending pit right below them. They are standing on a platform, and in front of them are rectangular platforms that keep moving back and forth. The last rectangular platform moves up and down. After that is a lava pit with two ropes dangling over it. After that, is a strip of path with huge blocks moving back and forth across it. After that, are two star-shaped platforms floating in thin air. They are spinning and moving towards the platform and away from the platform. After that, is the Shine.
“Oh bloody hell.” Luigi says.
“I knew I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed today.”
Luigi notices a nail sticking out of the platform.
“Why is there a nail sticking out of the platform?”
“I dunno.”
Luigi uses his hammer he brought with him (he brought it to “keep Mario in check”) and hammers the nail in. A Life Mushroom (1-up) pops out. Luigi picks it up.
“Hey Mario! Look what I got!”
Mario turns around to take a look, but accidentally bumps into Luigi. Luigi falls off the edge.
“I GET YOU MARIO! MY GHOST WILL HUANT YOU FOREVER!!!”
“My gosh he’s overreacting. I guess he doesn’t know that he’ll just appear right outside the portal? I guess not. I guess he wasn’t good enough either to make it through this obstacle course. I, of course, am good enough.”
Mario runs towards the rectangular platforms and easily jumps from one to the other. He makes it to the lava pit.
“Now how do I get across.”
Indiana Jones’s spirit appears.
“Use the rope!”
Yoda’s spirit appears.
“Such young Indiana is. Use the rope you shall not. Use the force.”
Neo from the Matrix appears.
“Screw the force! Use Bullet Time!”
A donut appears.
“Don’t eat me!”
Agent Smith appears behind Mario and starts shooting. Mario starts running in slow motion while the bullets wiz past him with propeller trails behind the bullets. Mario then uses force jump to jump to the rope and uses the rope to swing across, then eats the donut. Mario looks at the blocks and wonders how he will get across. Then, Luke Skywalker’s spirit appears.
“Use the forcks.”
“The force?”
“NO YOU IDIOT! THE FORKS!”
Mario pulls out a fork and throws it at the blocks. It bounces back and hits him. “Luke” takes off his Ugrerith masker to reveal a Yuzzahan Vong. George Lucas sues him for impersonating Luke. Anyways, back to the story. Mario teeters and falls of the edge and… some one grabs his arm and helps him back up. It’s Luigi.
“How’d you get here?” Mario asks.
“I wall jumped. You didn’t just think I would stay in that pit forever-. Just kidding. 1-up mushroom. I just started back at the beginning of the obstacle course.”
“Oh. How do we get past?”
“I don’t know.”
All of a sudden, the Tellitubies run up from behind them.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”
Mario and Luigi scream and run past the blocks.
“I’m scarred for life.” Mario says.
“I have a scar.”
“I’ll give you another one if you don’t shut up!”
“Let’s just jump onto the stars and get the Shine.”
They do just that. Mario does the freaky thing “Yahoo” and they are transported back outside the portal…
Chapter
10
THERE
HE IS! AFTER HIM!!!
The come back out and then go back in. In there they find… SHADOW MARIO!!! The Mario brothers stare at him, then bolt after him. He runs for it, and for some reason, jumps over a row of flowers. Mario runs right through them. Bad idea. His foot gets stuck and three land mines pop out of the ground. Fortunately, they’re duds. Written on the mines are, “Made with quality and care; I-Mac computer Corp.” Mario picks up the mine and chucks it at Shadow Mario. It hits him in the back of the head. He starts crying. Mario goes over to him.
“Are you okay?”
Shadow Mario kicks him in the shins and then punches him in the face.
“WHY THAT LITTLE SON OF A-!!!!”
Mario grabs Shadow Mario. What happens next is WAY too graphic to even write. I don’t even know how Shadow Mario survived. Don’t even ask what happened. I’ll only tell you that if there was blood in this story, there would be three times the amount Shadow Mario has on the ground. Mario then grabs the Shine from him.
“My gosh.” Luigi says.
“You don’t like violence do you?”
“It’s not that. It’s that this has got to be the shortest chapter in existence!”
“True. So let’s just sit here and talk.”
“Oh. You mean filler, (Wink wink). It looks like someone (hint hint) was too lazy to write a detailed chapter so he (dkad;dkjaldkjfamichaeldiad) just put in filler (you ought to know who I’m talking about be now). What a lazy cheapskate.”
“Hey! You’re the one who’s doing the filler right now!”
“Yes… well…”
“Plus, do you have to use Italics in every sentence?”
“Yes.”
“Stop that.”
“Make me.”
“Remember what I did to Wario in the last adventure.”
“Yes.”
“I’m about to do that to you.”
“EEP! DON’T! PLEASE!”
“Fine. So. I guess we have to talk.”
“Yeah. What do you want to talk about.”
“I don’t-. SCREW THIS! I’M LEAVING!”
Mario leaves.
“I hate it when he does this. You know what I mean. I’m talking to you. Yeah, you. The person who’s been eavesdropping the entire last adventure and this one. So, ya got anything to eat?”
A Pianta walking by wonders why the heck Luigi is talking to himself. Luigi finally realizes that he looks like a freak doing this, and exits out of the area and into the plaza…
Chapter
11
Goopy
Piranha Plant. Again.
Luigi emerges from the portal. Mario is waiting for him.
“Looks like we don’t have to go to that place again!” Mario says.
“Why not?”
“Because we flushed shadow Mario out, that’s why!”
“Yay!”
A Toad runs up to them.
“PLEASE HELP US! ANOTHER PIRANHA PLANT IS AT THE DOCK!!!”
“A CRY OF DISTRESS!” Mario says.
“Don’t even start that.” Luigi says.
“Fine. I hate you, poopoo head.”
They run to where the Piranha Plant is. This one is slightly bigger than the last one.
“Hey Mario! There’s the Piranha Plant. This one is slightly bigger than the last one!”
“Shut up and start throwing the water balloons.” Mario says as he points to yet another pile of water balloons.
“I think someone’s trying to help us.”
“No duh.”
“I think that it’s the same person from last time.”
“Good point. But who?”
“I don’t know.”
“Doesn’t matter. Let’s just kill this thing and get out.”
Mario throws a water balloon into the Piranha Plant’s open mouth. It screams and falls.
“There. Done.”
The Piranha Plant pops back up. Unfortunately, this one is also smart one, and keeps it’s mouth closed.
“CRUD! How are we going to kill it now?” Luigi asks.
“Like chickens.”
“You mean run away screaming like a little girl and our screaming will pierce the Piranha’s eardrums and it will die?”
“No. Like this.”
Mario pushes a button on his watch.
In the Police office…
The rubber chicken comes back to life and now has red eyes. Mission Impossible music starts playing despite the fact that there are no speakers, which freaks a bunch of people out. He breaks out of jail and breaks into the rubber chicken factory. He liberates all of the other rubber chickens under one condition; they go to Delfino. They all go to the airport and hijack a plane and fly it to Delfino. They march up to the Piranha plant and start shooting it. It dies and self-destructs killing the rubber chicken army. Even though Mario and Luigi are standing about ten feet away from it, they don’t die because let’s face it, they’re the heroes. They do get blown back though. A building appears from where the goop was. There is a portal on it. They then see a very badly bandaged Shadow Mario limp into the portal.
“THERE HE IS!” Mario screams.
“Stop being so dramatic, Mario.” Luigi says. Luigi then notices that he has a very small nosebleed.
“OH MY GOD! I’M BLEEDING! I’M GOING TO DIE OF BLOOD LOSS! I feel faint. The world around me is darkening. GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD!”
Luigi collapses dramatically. Mario helps him up heroically. A Toad runs up and screams at them to get moving. They get up and follow Shadow Mario into the portal and into a new world and into the next chapter…
Chapter
12
Goober
Bloober
Mario and Luigi emerge in Ricco Harbor. They are standing near the dock and are facing the water. A Pianta runs up to them.
“PLEASE MISTER! WE NEED YOUR HELP! THERE’S THIS BLOOBER THINGY UP NEAR THE SHOPS!”
Mario and Luigi look up near the shops and see nothing but an ink trail spilling into the ocean.
“You need help.” Mario says.
“That’s why I’m asking you.”
“I mean psychiatric help.”
“WHOA! You actually used a long word!” Luigi exclaims.
“WHOA! Say that again and your face will no longer be functional!” Mario says.
Meanwhile, the Pianta is started to get pissed at waiting, and just walks away. Mario and Luigi realize that he left and start to go to Goober Bloober. They reach the water and see that it is covered in ink.
“Don’t jump in,” Mario says, “it’ll hurt you.”
Luigi and already jumped in. He starts swimming around. He pushes a button on his belt and a rubber ducky (ducky… he he he he) inertube pops out. Luigi starts spinning around in it.
“This doesn’t hurt at all! It’s actually fun! WHEEEE!”
“But that doesn’t make sense it’s supposed to hurt!”
“WHEEEE!”
Mario jumps in and doesn’t get hurt. He starts swimming around. The Pianta comes back and starts screaming for them to stop stalling and get moving. They do so and swim to the side where the shops are. They get out of the water but are not miraculously dry. A few droplets of water drip off them, then they are miraculously dry. They pass by the shops. Luigi stops at Hot Topic and gets a Nintendo Hat. Mario gets a Mario Wristband. They leave and arrive where the ink is spilling into the ocean. All they see is a bunch of boxes and something that’s looks like a tentacle and is flapping around.
“Hey Mario! Isn’t that a tentacle?”
“No.”
“I’m pretty sure that it is.”
“It isn’t though.”
“Look. I’ll show you.”
Luigi pulls on the thing with all his might and to his surprise, it comes of. A scream emits from inside the boxes. The ground starts rumbling.
“I hate you.” Mario says as a huge Bloober bursts open from the crates, throwing them back.
“ALL RIGHT! A boss battle!” Luigi exclaims. The Bloober looks at Luigi and spits out goop especially made to stick to stuff and make them stop moving. It heads straight for Luigi. He doesn’t see it. Mario doesn’t see it. It’s about to hit…
“Ooo! A nickel!” Luigi bends down to pick up the nickel and the goop sails over him and hits the reinforcements that shouldn’t have been there because they didn’t know what was happened. Don’t look into that, it’s unimportant. The important thing is that Luigi is able to fight the boss! Mario goes in to punch it, but the Bloober just hits him back with his tentacles. Luigi then notices that there is something resembling a cork on it’s mouth.
“MARIO! Distract it! I think I found a weak spot!”
Mario shows the Bloober the Christmas Party photo of Luigi. Unfortunately, Bloobers have NO sense of humor. This did however, distract the Bloober. Luigi rushes in. The Bloober notices Luigi and swings. Luigi jumps over the low sweep, ducks under the high one, dives under two coming horizontally together, then rolls out of the way from a strike coming vertically down. Luigi grabs the cork thingy and starts pulling. The Bloober prepares to swing, but is hit in the eye with a rock, courtesy of Mario. This gives Luigi enough time to pull it out. The Bloober screams and falls down.
“ALL RIGHT!” Luigi screams.
The Bloober pops back up and spits a circle of ink around him. They can’t get near him without falling down.
“Oh crud. Whatta we do now?” Luigi asks.
“Use this gallon of C4 next to us.”
Mario lights it a fuse leading to it.
“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING! THAT’S GOING TO BE LIKE A MINI NUKE!!!!!”
“I hate my life.”
The Mario brothers start running for their lives. They run and dive into the water before the C4 goes off. They Mario brothers don’t die blah blah blah. No other people or scenery blows up because this is my story. So there. The Mario brothers go back to where the Bloober was, err, what’s left of where the Bloober was, grab the Shine, and go back to the Plaza…
Chapter
13
The
Tower Secret
The Mario brothers exit the portal, then go back in the portal. They arrive in Ricco Harbor (duh). A Pianta runs up to them.
“HEY! HOW’D YOU GET DOWN HERE SO FAST?” the Pianta asks Mario.
“Shadow Mario, huh?”
“Who’s Shadow Mario?”
“A
person that looks exactly like me but is shadowy and watery. How in the world
did you mistake him for me?”
The Pianta hands him a paper. It shows that he is legally stupid.
“Fair enough. Let’s go and get him, Luigi.”
“WAIT! Don’t you want to know where is?”
“Oh. Yeah. I forgot.”
“Are you sure you’re not legally stupid too?”
“Maybe I am, maybe I ain’t.”.
The Pianta looks at them with extreme annoyance.
“He went in the top of that
tower over there.”
The Mario brothers run over to the tower and realize a problem. The tower is about one hundred feet tall. The entrance to the tower is at the very top, of course.
“Oh crud! The entrance to the tower is at the very top, of course.”
“You’re doing it again!”
“You can’t prove it.”
“I-. Dang. But how are we getting up there?”
“What do you mean “How are we getting up there?”? YOU IDIOT! You meant to say, ‘How are we going to get up there?’, right?”
“Ye-. No. It’s a… um… a new type of language?”
“Ah-uh.”
“Fine. But we’ll get up there by these jetpacks right next to us!” He gestures to two jet packs.
“No. Water Balloons, maybe. Jetpacks, no.”
Mario sees two Koopas walking by. He grabs them and tells them that they can have these free jetpacks. The Koopas use them.
“See? There. They’re fine.”
BOOM! The Jetpacks explodes. A charred piece of metal lands at Luigi’s feet. Even though it’s charred black, some words are still legible. They read, “Made with quality and care. I-Mac computer Corp.”
“Stupid I-Mac company.” Mario says. “All they ever produce are pieces of crud. Unlike PCs. They rock.” Mario then looks to his right and sees two more jetpacks. He reads the label. It says, “Made rugged and Kick-Ass. PC Computer Company.”
“One question though.” Mario says.
“I have a lot of questions. Such as “How did the dinosaurs die?” and, “Why does everything taste like chicken?” and, “Who ate the last slice of Pumpkin Pie?”
“Shut it. My one question is why are the jetpacks here? Don’t we have to do some really stupid and funny thing such as we mug a guy and then the police chuck as in the air randomly and we land on the tower? I mean, this is too easy!”
“Yeah. Someone was too lazy and writes a whole bunch of crazy things to make up for his lack of creativeness.”
“Sounds about right. Let’s just use these jetpacks.”
They use it to get to the top of the tower and go in the entrance. They are in yet another obstacle course.
“ANOTHER ONE!!!” Luigi exclaims. “WASN’T THE FIRST ONE ENOUGH!”
“Apparently not. Let’s go!”
Mario starts running but Luigi stops him.
“Why don’t we just use our jetpacks?”
“Ummm… I forgot?”
“It’s kinda hard to forget a ten-pound thing on your back.”
“Weeell; it just doesn’t work like that. It’s too easy. See, you’re supposed to lose your stuff when you go into different areas.”
Luigi looks at his jetpack, then looks in his pocket to be relieved that his fingernail clippings are still there.
“But we didn’t lose anything.”
“Except your brain.”
“THAT WASN’T VERY NICE!”
Luigi tackles Mario and they start fighting. During the fight, Mario punches Luigi’s jetpack.
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEP!
“Oh crud.” Mario says.
The jetpack ignites and they fly into the air without being able to the jetpack. They head toward the Shine.
“WAHOO! ALMOST THERE!” Luigi says.
All of a sudden, the jetpack veers downward and they head strait for a wall.
“TURN! TURN!!!”
“I CAN’T!”
The smash into the wall. Luigi’s jetpack dies. Mario’s jetpack gets hit though…
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEP!
Mario’s jetpack ignites and they are propelled upward onto the platform with the Shine. Mario grabs the Shine and they exit the portal…
Chapter
14
Shadow
Mario!
They exit and get back in. In there they meet… SHADOW MARIO!
“Okay.” Mario says to Luigi. “We gotta make this one long, because the last one was pathetic. This time, we have to do whatever it takes to make this one a long one.”
Shadow Mario bolts away.
“AFTER HIM!!!”
Mario and Luigi chase after him. Shadow Mario jumps over a box, but trips over the top. Mario and Luigi “accidentally” trip.
“Oops! I tripped!” Mario says as he falls.
“Wow! What a coincidence! I tripped too!” Luigi says.
Shadow Mario gets up and keeps running. Mario and Luigi get up and pursue. Shadow Mario runs by some oil barrels and tips them over. Mario slips on the oil. Luigi has the ingenious idea of using the oil as a slip-n-slide. He slides across the oil and chases after Shadow Mario. Shadow Mario throws a baseball over his shoulder at Luigi. Luigi catches the baseball and throws it back. Shadow Mario jumps to the right and smacks into a wall. Luigi looks around him and notices that a dippin-dots is nearby. He gets mint chip and waits for Shadow Mario to recover. Shadow Mario gets up and continues to run. He then paints a M of goop on the ground. Luigi looks like he’s going to run around it, but jumps in instead.
“OOPS! I feel into this pile of goop! Oh no! How tragic and not on purpose!”
Shadow Mario laughs at Luigi and takes his Dippin-dots. Luigi grabs Shadow Mario’s arm.
“YOU CAN HIT ME, YOU CAN BURN ME, BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE MY DIPPIN-DOTS!”
Luigi lunges at Shadow Mario. He screams and runs for his life, with Luigi in hot pursuit. Shadow Mario wall jumps, but Luigi grabs his foot in midair and slams him onto the ground. Shadow Mario kicks him in a place that I will not write about and runs away. Luigi falls on the ground and starts whimpering. Shadow Mario looks behind his shoulder at Luigi and is caught in the chest with a trashcan lid. Shadow Mario falls down. He looks up at the person who hit him. It’s Mario. Shadow Mario disappears, leaving behind a Shine. Luigi walks over to where they are.
“Where’d he go?” Luigi asks.
“He disappeared.”
“Oooh. Wait a minute. Why didn’t he just disappear when we first starting chasing him.”
“Ummm… It’s a very complicated subject. You’ll understand when you’re older.”
“I’m one day younger than you.”
“SEE?! You’re not old enough. HA!”
“Sooo, today you just magically understood this?”
“Ummm… LOOK! BOWSER!”
“WHERE?!”
Luigi turns around to look and Mario grabs the Shine and gets out of there.
“I don’t see anyth-. Aw man!”
Luigi leaves the area and now is back in the plaza where he finds something. Because… you usually find stuff… you know… when you, go places… yeah… and… umm… LOOK OVER THERE!
Chapter
15
Yet
another friggen Piranha Plant
They exit the portal.
“OH YEAH! We’re on a role!” Luigi exclaims.
“Two areas down, X to go!”
“Ten more to go?”
“No. I wasn’t using Roman numerals you idiot! X is like, all algebraic and stuff. X stands for I don’t know.”
“So X-Man is I-don’t-know man?”
“No.”
“But you said-.”
“FORGET WHAT I SAID!”
“What?”
“You’re hopeless.”
“Not really. No one’s hopeless when you have… SPIRIT FINGERS!”
While this whole thing was happening, a Toad had already run up to them and was desperately trying to get their attention. Mario and Luigi finally realize this and ask the Toad what he wants.
“I want a club sandwich because I’m really hungry.”
“I meant what’s wrong.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Look Toad; if you don’t tell me, I’ll beat it out of you.”
“There’s a Piranha plant by the beach.”
The toad leaves to get a club sandwich.
“AGAIN!?” Mario exclaims.
“This is ridiculous. If another one of these things pops up again… I’ll blow it up or something.”
They go over to where the Piranha plant is. There they see Harry Potter. He takes his wand back from Mario and starts yelling at him saying that borrowing means having for a certain period of time, not forever. While Harry has his back turned, Voldemort appears behind Harry and… gets eaten by the Piranha plant. Harry leaves.
“I GOT AN IDEA!” Luigi exclaims.
“You don’t have to yell.”
“Whatever. Here’s my idea; go up to the Piranha plant, let it eat you and then use the gun it ate to blow it up from the inside!”
“He didn’t eat a gun.”
“Well, then just try to give it indigestion.”
“HEY! That just gave me an idea that is totally unrelated!”
Mario pulls out the Holy Hand-Grenade and pulls out the Holy Pin. Then he counts the Holy numbers until he reaches the Holy number, three.
“One, two, five!”
“Three sir!”
“Three!” Mario yells with a Holy voice. He then uses the Holy throw to throw the Holy Hand-Grenade at the not so Holy Piranha Plant. The Piranha Plant does a Holy scream of death as the Holy Hand-Grenade Holily explodes in it’s Holy wrath. Mario then does his Holy jig. Luigi then does his Holy smack right into Mario’s Holy face. Mario gets a Holy nose bleed. A Holy lighthouse emerges from the not Holy goop and starts doing it’s Holy light thingy that Holy lighthouses tend to do… HOLY!
“Hey Holy! That wasn’t very Holy nice.”
“I don’t Holy care if it wasn’t Holy.”
“Why Holy are Holy we Holy saying Holy Holy Holy all Holy the Holy time Holy… HOLY!”
“I Holy don’t Holy know… Holy.”
“HOLY DOO-DOO! THERE’S NOT SO HOLY SHADOW MARIO!!!”
It was the Holy truth, the not Holy- SMACK!
“That ought to serve you right!” Elliot screams. “Holy this, Holy that. SHUT UP ALREADY!”
No. Holy.
“This is Holy, that is Holy. SHUT UP OR I’LL EXPOOOSE YOOOU!”
Oh yeah? Holy Holy Holy Holy! You can’t stop me. HOLY! KDKDALDHOLYKFJALDSFJAKHOLYDLKAFJ;HOLYSLDKJHOLYDKDHOLY!!!!!
“Pleeease stop! I’m begging you!”
Fine. Just one second… HOLY HOLY HOLY HOLY HOLY HOLY!!! I’m done.
Meanwhile, Mario and Luigi had been playing Poker with a magician’s deck.
“WOW!” Luigi exclaims. “Both of us got five aces, again!”
They finish up and go into the portal…
Chapter
16
Secret
of the Sand
Mario and Luigi emerge from the portal and are now on a beach.
“Wow.” Luigi says. “We’re at a beach. How exciting.”
“It would be if we were on a vacation.”
“We are on vacation.”
“Sure don’t feel like it.”
“I know, but we are. I think that we’re going to need a vacation from this vacation.”
“I know what you mean. This has turned out to be a vacation from hell.”
A Noki (another island inhabitant) runs up to them.
“Oh please sir, if you would be so kind to examine a mysterious sandcastle.”
“A sand castle?! What the heck!” Mario says.
“Well, this sand castle has some sort of portal in it, and”
“Thank you, that’s enough.” Luigi says.
Mario and Luigi go over to the sand castle. Fortunately, it isn’t one of those little tiny ones you make with buckets, it’s a life-sized one. The weird thing is that the only thing built is the entrance. You can see through to the other side.
“This is pointless.” Luigi says.
“Yeah. Let’s walk through it for the heck of it.”
Mario walks through for the heck of it and immediately disappears. Luigi follows. He appears on a platform. Mario is next to him with his hands buried in his face.
“Not another one!” Mario says.
“Not another what?”
“It’s another freaking obstacle course!”
“NOOOOO!!!”
This one isn’t too hard, but still hard, but not really, exactly. First, is a pit of lava (bad guys just love lava, don’t they?) with a coin right before the pit. The trigger that lets out the lava is on the other side, but is too far away to throw the coin at it. After that is an acid pit. The switch is at the bottom of the acid. Next is a pit of Klap Traps (you know, those little alligator things from DK). The switch is inside, yes inside a Klap Trap (I’m starting to see a pattern here…). Next is a pit of water with sharks and junk like that in it. The switch is strapped onto a shark. Then finally is a pit of angry hobos carrying shot guns and a potato named Kabagi. Across from the pit is the Shine.
“Oh god. I hate these stupid things.” Luigi says.
“I know, but the people reading this story really like them.”
“What story? Have you been taking drugs?”
“Never mind you…” Mario turns around and you hear a big SNIFF, then Mario saying, “Gosh that felt good.” Mario turns back around.
“Let’s do dis crazy thin.”
“Let’s do this crazy thing you mean.”
“Whatever. I think we have to throw this coin at the switch.”
“Nope. Too far.”
“Wellll… what do we do?”
“We do the dew.”
Luigi pours some Mountain Dew into the lava in a sad attempt to make the lava harden. It fails, obviously. Luigi then gets an idea.
“I GOT IT!”
“REALLY?!”
“Yes. Let’s skip the coin on the lava.”
Luigi does just that. The coin bounces off of the lava and hits the switch. The Mario brothers cross and go to the next pit, the acid pit.
“How in the world are we going to hit a switch under acid?”
“Gamegenie.”
“I really don’t think that cheats work in real life.”
“No, not cheats. Gamegenie.”
Luigi pulls out a Gamegenie and chucks it at the switch as hard as he can. It hits the switch right before it completely disincarnates and they cross. They go to the Klap Trap pit.
“How in the world do we get something inside of something?” Mario says.
“Are you going to keep saying ‘how in the world’ every single freaking time we come to a pit?”
“Possibly.”
“You’re hopeless, you know that.”
“Yes. I MEAN NO! WAHATAD-. DKALD. YES I’M AWSOME!!!”
“Whatever. Anyways, I think I know how… You see, I have cousin who has a game called Donkey Kong 64. There’s this game where you try to save fairies from being eaten. He let about every single one get eaten. I called him ‘The Fairy Killer’ but he wasn’t too happy about that.”
“And, what’s the point?”
“Klap Traps like fairies. If they eat the fairies, then the switch will be switched. All I have to do is my magical fairy jig.”
Luigi starts doing his magical fairy jig and Mario slaps him.
“I don’t think that there’s any fairies here.”
“Fine.”
Luigi picks up a rock and chucks it at a Klap Trap. It squishes it and hits the switch. A bridge appears and they cross it. They come to the shark pit.
“Got any ideas about this one brainiac?”
“Yes.”
Luigi pulls out a Gameshark and tosses it into the pit. The shark then thinks that Gameshark is a game for sharks and tries to play it. While the shark’s back is facing them, Luigi throws a coin at the switch. It hits and a bridge appears. They cross and come to the final pit.
“This is impossible.” Mario says. “I mean, look. Hobos with shotguns. That’s not too bad. But noooo. They’ve got to have that potato! I can’t believe how cruel Bowser is!”
“What’s so bad about the potato?”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT A THE POTATO! I mean, look at him! He’s a potato!”
“Yes… I got an idea. HEY HOBOS! LOOK! THERE’S A POTATO IN THERE YOU CAN EAT!”
All of the hobos drop their shotgun and try to eat Kabagi. Kabagi, in all of his potato powers, kills them all and then uses his magic potato powers to disappear. A bridge appears, Mario grabs the Shine and then they are transported back to the Plaza…
Chapter
17
Wriggler
Trouble
They go out and back in. I hope you don’t mind anymore, but I’m not going to say, “They go out and back in”. It’s obvious. They always do it. The only time I’ll say it is if they don’t go back in, comprende? Good. Anyways, they’re back at the beach. One tiny, er, big, er, very big problem. A giant Wriggler is trampling around on the beach. A Noki runs up to them.
“Please help us kind sir! There’s a W-.”
“I really wouldn’t have known,” Mario interrupts, “that a giant Wriggler is an a rampage. I never would have seen a fifteen foot caterpillar in front of my face. I guess I’m just not as observant as you. You’re just too smart for me.”
“That really wasn’t nice.” Luigi says as the Noki runs off.
“Your point?”
“My point is that wasn’t very nice.”
“That’s not a very good point.”
“Fine. Let’s just take care of this Wriggler.”
“TAKE CARE OF IT?! You want to adopt it or something?!”
“That’s just an expression.” Luigi says through gritted teeth.
“Suit yourself.”
“I did. I chose my own wardrobe today.”
“That’s just an expression you idiot!”
“That’s my point.”
“Grrr.”
The Noki runs back to them.
“TAKE CARE OF THE FREAKING WRIGGLER ALREADY!!!!”
The Noki runs away.
“Oh yeah… Luigi?”
“Yeah.”
“Stand in front of the Wriggler.”
“WHAT?!? DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?!”
“No, but I guess I hope it does. Anyways, maybe it will do something… you know… to do stuff… umm… bye!”
Mario throws Luigi into the Wriggler’s path. Luigi screams like a little girl as the Wriggler’s about to trample him.
“Uh-oh,” Mario says, “This wasn’t a very well thought out plan…”
The Wriggler smashes into Luigi. Luigi goes flying and hits a wall.
“Oh! Luigi’s going to hate me for this!”
Luigi slides of the wall and gets a rug burn more painful then you can imagine, and lands on the Wrigglers head.
“HEEEEEELPPPP!!!!!”
“HOLD ONTO THE FLOWER ON HIS HEAD!”
Luigi does so.
“Hold the phone.” Luigi says.
Everything stops.
“Isn’t this kind of like MIB II?”
“I guess. It was probably unintentional.”
“Yeah. I’d better ‘resume’ things otherwise things’ll get too random.”
“Yeah.”
Everything resumes and Luigi gets bucked around and stats getting a bruise on his butt. Luigi then gets a flashback about the flower growing out of the Wrigglers head…
Flashback
“Good thing you
wear green clothes,” Michael says, “now they can call you ‘Green
Thumb’!” (Please pardon the extremely bad pun). All of a sudden, a flower
pops out of Luigi’s hat.
“YAAAAAAAAAAH!!! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF!!!!!” Luigi runs around in
circles screaming. He then tries pulling the flower off but it is attached to
his head. Therefore, he ends up hurting himself. “Please Michael! Take it
off!”
“Fine.” Michael writes something down and the flower disappears.
End Flashback
Luigi shudders, which was a really, really stupid thing to do because by doing so, he lets go. He goes flying and hits a hotdog stand. The hot grease goes flying up into the Wrigglers eyes. The Wriggler screams and falls on the ground.
“Now,” Mario says, “to make the killing blow!”
Mario is about to ground pound that suckers head into oblivion, but then, the animal control squad comes in. They capture the Wiggler (don’t ask how, it’s about ten sizes bigger than their car!), and take it to the pound. Mario and Luigi then realize something: the Wriggler has the Shine! Mario and Luigi run after the car.
“NO!!!!” Mario screams, “WE MUST KILL IT!!!!”
Mario pulls out the Ring made by Souron (hee hee hee) and uses its awesome power to destroy the truck and the Wriggler. Mario then realizes that it isn’t the real ring and is actually a thing he got from a vending machine. He then realizes that the truck was just destroyed for the sake of the story. He then realizes that he has a moustache. The Shine appears, they grab it, and go back to Delfino…
Chapter
18
Shadow
Mario Brawl
Mario and Luigi enter again. Oh, wait. I said I wouldn’t say that anymore… anyways, the Mario Bros. are in an area kind of like an arena.
“Hey Mario!” Luigi says, “It looks like”
“Don’t even start.”
“Okay.” Luigi says quietly.
All of a sudden, as usual, a cannon pops in the center of the arena. Shadow Mario drops into the cannon.
“Oh brother.” Mario says.
“Yes?”
“It’s an expression, and don’t start that again!”
“Hotcha.”
“But why in the world does Shadow Mario want to fight us? I mean, I completely annihilated about six hammer bros., and those are the most powerful enemy!”
Flashback
“Oh no you don’t! I’m not letting you use a stupid flashback just for you to show off!” Luigi says.
End flashback
“Oh,” Luigi says, “and might I add that the hammer bro is NOT the most powerful enemy, I believe a sledge bro is.”
While Mario and Luigi are expressing their “brotherly love”, Shadow Mario had shot a Bob-omb out of the Canon (say cheese!) at them. The
Bob-omb starts walking around.
“Awwww,” Luigi says, “it’s sooo cute!”
Luigi goes over to pick the Bob-omb up.
“Luigi don’t!”
Luigi bends over.
“NO LUIGI!”
Too late. BOOOOOOOOM!!!! An explosion big enough to decimate an entire building happens, and it only turns their clothes black (just play any mini-game in Mario Party with a Bob-omb to see what I mean).
“Ow.” Mario says, “Now to beat the boss.”
“How?”
“Well, all we have to do is dodge the attacks while waiting for a throwable object to come out of the cannon, or we wait until the cannon temporarily breaks down, which is for some reason the only way to hurt him.”
Shadow Mario shoots another Bob-omb.
“Ah, and here is the weakness.”
Mario picks it up and throws it at Shadow Mario. It explodes and Shadow Mario is hurt.
“Wait…” Luigi says, “shouldn’t have that explosion killed him?”
“It should have, but since he’s a boss, it will take three hits, five hits, ten hits, or twelve hits to kill him.”
“But don’t they catch on after the first hit?”
“No.” Mario says as another Bob-omb lands near his feet.
Mario picks up the Bomb and chucks it at Shadow Mario.
“Observe; even though I’ve hit him two times with the same technique, he will still throw one more Bomb.”
It happens, accompanied by six others. And of course, they’re aimed at Luigi.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” BOOOM! BOOM! BANG! POW! BLAST! DOINK! JUICE!
A very, very badly Luigi gets up.
“Ah, this is known as ‘boss tactics’. This happens with some bosses when they actually find out what your doing, thereby eliminating the former technique. Now I must use the terrain to my advantage.”
Mario picks up a bomb and throws it at a very conveniently rock on a ledge. The rock falls and crushes the machine. Shadow Mario crawls out of cannon and runs for his pathetic excuse for a life.
“Ugh.” Luigi groans, “Why didn’t you show your knowledge for bosses earlier?”
“Because I wanted to show you up when you wouldn’t let me do my awesomely cool flashback.”
“I loathe you.”
“Whatever.”
The Shine appears and they leave this god forsaken area for good.
Chapter
19
Kidnapped
The Mario Bros. are now in the plaza. For some reason, it seems strangely silent.
“Oh no.” Mario says, “There’s been a kidnapping.”
“How do you know?”
“Look at the title of the chapter, it’s pretty obvious.”
“I see.”
A Toad runs up to them.
“There’s been a kidnapping!”
“We know.”
“But Shadow Mario kidnapped Peach!”
“PEACH!?!” Mario and Luigi yell in unison.
“Yes. Peach. Who do you think I was talking about?”
“Peach.”
“Oh.”
“Who’s talking?” Luigi says.
“I don’t know.” Says Mario.
“By the way, Shadow Mario is down by the docks.”
“Thank you.” Luigi says.
After wasting half a page of writing, the Mario Brothers pursue Shadow Mario. They run to the docks and find Shadow Mario there with Peach.
“MARIO!” Peach yells. “SAVE ME! I’M BEING KIDNAPPED AGAIN WHEN I COULD EASILY ESCAPE USING MY SUPER SMASH BROTHERS MELEE MOVES! AHHH!!!”
“You know,” Mario says, “I’m not sure I should save her. Maybe being kidnapped without hope of rescuing will actually make her try to escape her easily escapable situation.”
“But that’s our job!”
“No, our job is to clear our names. This is just a technicality.”
“WHAT?!? SHE’S THE PRINCESS!”
“Wait, you’re right! She could tear down our house! She could throw us in the dungeon! She could leave us to die stranded on an island. And GASP! She could take away all the Bagel Bites! NOOOOOO!!! NOT THE BAGEL BITES!!!”
“So we rescue her?”
“Yes.”
“For glory?”
“No.
For the Bagel Bites.”
“Let’s do it!”
A toad walks up to them.
“Umm, guys?”
“Yes?” Mario says.
“While you were deciding what to do, Shadow Mario escaped with the princess in a high powered engine boat.”
“Oh.” Mario says, “Where did he go?”
“To that island over there.”
The Toad leaves.
“How do we get to that island?” Luigi asks.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe we could use that cannon over there to blast us to the island and land safely directly at the entrance of the amusement park over there, but that’s just a hunch.”
“Let’s try it.”
“I’ll go first.”
Luigi loads himself into the cannon, don’t ask how, and is blasted off into the distance towards the island. Mario watches as Luigi’s speck flies towards the island and smashes into a wall. Mario loads himself and lands gracefully at the entrance…
Chapter
20
For
the Princess and for the Bagel Bites
They are now at an amusement park.
“WAHOO!” Mario yells. “COTTON CANDY! CARMEL APPLES! DEEP FRIED TWINKIES!!!”
“Oh god. That’s just sickening.”
“You don’t like cotton candy?”
“I do, it’s just deep fried Twinkies… Isn’t just one normal one supposed to give you your recommended calorie intake? Just image a deep fried one… Ugh…”
“Okay, fine. I understand my eating habits aren’t exactly ‘normal’. That doesn’t matter anyways because no matter how much I eat, my pixel size stays the same.”
“Pixel size? Are you okay?”
“Yes!” Mario says, “Of course I am! I mean, just look at my hot and sexy bod!”
Mario starts to flex but Luigi stops him.
“Please don’t, there are children watching.”
A couple children run away screaming. They’re probably going to be scarred for life.
“Let’s just go in already!”
“But how are we going to find Shadow Mario?”
As soon as they walk into the
park, they see Shadow Mario standing right in front of them.
“Well,”
Mario says, “that was easy.”
“You said it! Now, Shadow Mario is going to be very easy to stop, because the big bad guy always gives up as soon as you reach him and they never put up a fight, right?”
Shadow Mario turns and runs.
“Then again, I think I got it backwards…” Luigi says.
“Yup.”
“Oh well.”
“Yeah. Now… LETS FREAKING GET HIM!”
The Mario Brothers charge after SM (Shadow Mario) as he runs through the park. He runs to a fountain and jumps into the middle.
“Yup, now’s the boss fight.” Mario says.
“But we just had one!”
“Stop whining Luigi!”
"But I don’t wanna! I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t!”
“Ugh. Listen to me: Sometimes, bosses cheat and do a boss battle immediately right after another one.”
“Name one game where that happens.
“Final Fantasy X.”
“… Damn you.”
The water underneath SM starts to part.
“Is he related to Moses?” Mario asks.
“Don’t be stupid.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
A huge Bowser type Mech thingy comes up from the water.
“Ya know,” Mario says, “This reminds me of Bowser’s Sub.”
Flashback
“NO FLASHBACK BACKS!!!” Luigi screams.
End Flashback
“Damn you.” Mario says.
“Forget that, how are you going to beat that thing?”
“Ummm… I thought that you might know.”
“ I don’t.”
“Ooh. Maybe we should use a screw driver.”
“How would that help?”
“Observe.”
Mario pulls out a screw driver and unscrews a bolt on the foot of the Bowser Machine. Water starts leaking in the machine and… well… you can figure out what happens when water meets electricity.
BZZZZZZZZT!
The robot short circuits and falls into the water.
“BOOOYEAH!” Mario yells.
The top of the Bowser thingy opens and out comes… the Princess… and Shadow Mario. Shadow Mario jumps up into the air, does three spins, and lands on the ground. He then removes his mask, and the most amazing thing happens. It’s sooo spectacular. It’s amazing! It’s the most COOLEST thing you’ve ever seen… It’s…
To be continued…
HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! NEENER NEENER NEENER!!!!
Sorry. That's all. (Loser)
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