Tetraforce
interviews Toad
(5 minutes before the
show…)
(Kooper is backstage waiting
for Tetraforce).
Kooper: Where is he?
(The phone next to Kooper
rings. Kooper answers the phone.)
Kooper: Hello? WHAT?! WHAT
DO YOU MEAN TETRAFORCE CAN’T DO THE INTERVIEW! WHY THE HECK IS HE IN THE
HOSPITAL?
Flashback
(Bowser
dives into the audience and starts fighting with Mario. You hear screams and
yelps and occasionally an audience member will fly over the stage. Tetraforce is
just staring with his eyes wide open.)
Tetraforce:
I better go before I get hurt.
(Tetraforce
gets up to leave but… WHACK! A chair from the audience hits Tetraforce smack
in the back of the head.)
Kooper: Oh yeah. WELL BRING
HIM IN ANYWAYS!
(Kooper hangs up and walks
on stage.)
Kooper: Hello everybody.
Tetraforce will be here shortly.
(You hear sirens coming from
the backstage and then Tetraforce appears onstage. Actually he is rolled onstage
on a gurney with a heart monitor on it.
Tetraforce: What am I doing
here?
Kooper: Doing an interview.
Tetraforce: With whom?
(Toad walks onstage and
takes a seat in, the chair.)
Kooper: Him.
(BEEEEP! Tetraforce’s head
hangs down and the heart monitor system shows no sign of heartbeat. The
paramedics rush in with the shocker things. CLEAR! BZZZZT! Tetraforce comes back
to life.)
Tetraforce: I have to
interview him?
Toad: That’s very
insulting. I’m the toad from your story that went to school.
Tetraforce: Okay then.
Let’s start the Q’s. I’m not going to ask why you guys are so stupid.
Bowser already told me the answer: contracts. But why do you toads put up with
it? I mean, why don’t you start a boycott or something?
Toad: Our contracts don’t
say for us to do that. All of the other toads don’t go to school and only
learn one line.
Tetraforce: Weird. Next
question: What are you?
Toad: I’m a toad, a
fungus.
Tetraforce: No, no, no. I
mean, what are you?
Toad: A figment of your
imagination.
Tetraforce: Weirdo. Next Q:
What is your favorite game?
Toad: Super Mario Cart 64,
duh.
Tetraforce: Why duh?
Toad: Because it’s the
only game I was a playable character in.
Tetraforce: LIAR! You were
also one in Super Mario Bros. 2, Super Mario Kart, Super Mario Kart: Super
Circuit, Mario Tennis, and Mario Golf.
Toad: I said the only game I
was in. I was the one you were racing in Super Mario Kart 64. Those other games
were different toads.
Tetraforce: Wait a sec: does
that mean you’re not the toad.
Toad: No I’m not.
Tetraforce: Then how did you
get to be in Mario Kart 64.
Toad: I sent threatening
letters to him.
Tetraforce: I like you! Do
you want to be in the next Super Smash Bros?
Toad: No. Even though it
won’t be me fighting, toads are weaklings. It would lower the standards of
toads even lower then it already is, and that’s pretty hard to do.
Tetraforce: Thanks for being
honest. Every time Bowser kidnaps the princess, you run to Mario for help. But
there’s so many of you guys, why don’t you grab a couple semi-automatics and
save the princess yourselves?
Toad: A couple reasons.
First of all, toads are wimps. Second of all, we would clean our gun trigger
without the safety on.
Three toads: (from audience)
We’re not stupid! We’re not stupid! We’re not stupid! We’re not stupid!
We’re not stupid! We’re not stupid!
(BEEEEP! CLEAR! BZZZZT!)
Tetraforce: I’ve died two
times now! I feel special. Time to take a couple questions from the audience.
Seat 11.
Bowser: I’m going to
kidnap your princess again and there’s nothing you can do about it! Bwah ha ha
ha!
Toad: Mario can do something
about it!
Bowser: …
Tetraforce: Right. Next
question from seat 93.
Goombario: I don’t need to
ask any questions because I know everything.
Tetraforce: That doesn’t
count as a question. Seat 92.
Tubba-Blubba: Why do you
have polka dots on your head?
Toad: Because they’re
pretty.
Tetraforce: (shudder).
Don’t say that again! I might drop dead, literally! Seat 5.
Goomba: Oh lord! Why have
you forsaken me? Why must I drop numbers?
(Tetraforce starts gasping
and holding his heart. He then stops.)
Tetraforce: Almost died
again. Ask a question.
Goomba: Do you plan to be in
any other games?
Toad: Of course! I’ve been
in almost every single Mario game!
Tetraforce: I’ve got to
get back to the hospital so I’m going to end this interview. Thanks for
coming.
Toad: Bye.
(Toad leaves)
Tetraforce: Next time I’m going to interview Mario… again!
End
Transmission!